Big John really hopes you will share this.

Dear Mr. Morino,

I know that you’re probably not going to give me my job back and that’s cool. Although, if you were to offer it back I would graciously accept it- and that’s cool too. I was hoping that if you weren’t still angry about things you could tell the Wisconsin State Police to drop any charges. I really need to come back home and get out of Peru!


Henry is doing fine so don’t worry about him. He seems much happier here; being back in his own country and all. I knew he would be and that’s why I took him here in the first place. He’s actually found love way up on the mountain! It’s so wonderful! I have a picture of the two of them together. It would melt your heart!

Hey, I could possibly send you the picture so you could show it to Linda. Then she could see how happy Henry is here. Maybe then she wouldn’t be so mad that I drove away with him in y’alls truck and horse trailer. On second thought, I had better keep the photograph. He doesn’t come down from the mountain anymore so this picture is basically all I got left of him.

Although Henry is doing well in Peru, I’m just not cutting it out here, Mr. Morino! I cry all the time! It’s much rainier in the jungle than what I expected and that missionary friend stopped letting me share his tent. Even worse, the monkeys have grown tired of me eating all their bananas. They’re forming an actual monkey army; and I can tell by how quiet and secretive they get around me now that they mean to attack!

If you and Linda could somehow find it in your heart to forgive me, and then send me a plane ticket… well, I would be eternally grateful! Oh yeah, about your truck and trailer. I had no idea that river was going to be that fast and that deep! From the embankment, the crossing of it didn’t seem all that complicated. But don’t you think I didn’t do my best, Mr. Morino! And you ask anyone that knows anything about rivers in Peru! When you take a truck and horse trailer off of a hundred foot falls, there ain’t going to be nothing left of them.

About that day I took Henry, I never meant for any of that to go down the way it did! That’s the God’s honest truth! And your wife, she didn’t deserve none of that either! I just got so angry from being constantly disrespected that I snapped! I won’t deny it, I snapped!

Ever since that first day I came to work at Shear and Shave Llama Service, you and Linda were like family to me. I knew nothing about the business, but y’all poured your heart and soul into my training and it showed! That day you promoted me from trim-wool technician to a full-fledged de-fleecer…that was the proudest day of my life, bar none!

But then when Linda hired on Senor-Juan-Know-It-All-Espinoza, everything went downhill from there! Linda said he naturally outranked me because he was from South America and that’s just not right! She’s stereotyping! To say just because somebody’s Peruvian, that they automatically know everything there is to know about the finer points of llama grooming… well, that’s plain ludicrous!

But I didn’t grumble. I never complained. I just went about the daily grind shaving those llamas to show-room condition. Oh, they would laugh at me and tease; but those techniques I use with the coddling and whispering really puts an animal at ease.

I just bottled it up inside and went about my business day after day. But there was a rage building inside that even I could not contain. And then it happened, I just snapped! I was in the barn sculpting Henry’s backside with some hand shears when Linda asked me if I was trying to win myself a date. I told her that a good trim with hand sheers should take no less than twenty minutes, or the llama will walk away from the experience feeling cheapened. That’s basic Llama Grooming 101!

Juan then begins braggin’ about how he could do the job with a pair of electric clippers in less than five; and have the llama looking better and feeling more satisfied! I argued with him then, I did! He had insulted my honor! I told him that less than five minutes was impossible and that I had seen his work. It was but second-rate sheep-shearing he did and he had always failed to shave down to the hocks.

So then Juan starts getting all loud and such. He tells me he was going to show me a thing or two about his skills with a llama. I told him that he wasn’t touching Henry with a pair of electric clippers, and if he wanted something big to shave then Linda was standing right behind him! Then Linda got all fired up and she grabbed the clippers off of the post.

I told them to back away from Henry because he was really starting to tense up. They wouldn’t listen and just kept coming my way. It was at that very moment I snapped! It was like my brain switched to autopilot and I just saw red! When I finally came back to my senses, Juan and Linda were left naked, shaved, and duct-taped to the post. Me and Henry, we were already halfway to Peru!


Picture of Henry in Peru

Anyway, I gotta get this letter to that missionary so he can mail it before tomorrow. First thing in the morning, he’ll be off trying to make converts out of a bunch of cannibals! Don’t know if he’ll be returning this way.

Yours truly,

Bellamy Rickets

PS. Give my regards to Linda and tell her not to worry. It will all grow back!

Thank you for reading this tragic story to its completion. Please visit my site again soon to hear the rest of the story. In the meantime, feel free to explore other areas of my blog, post a comment, and share some love on social media.

Happy travels,

Big John




Big John really hopes you will share this.

3 comments on “A Letter to My Boss, from Peru

  1. You know Michael, to be completely fair the problem wasn’t between Linda and Henry. Linda loved Henry almost as much as I did. The problem is that Linda allowed herself to be bamboozled by that no-good Juan Espinoza. He’s the reason I’m stuck in Peru! He’s the reason Henry ran off with some young llama floozy; and he’s the reason Linda is sitting back in Wisconsin hairless as a newborn hippo!

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