Deep Inside Waimea Valley and a Deadly Game of Checkers
I was deep inside the valley of Waimea and beads of sweat had begun streaming down my brow. I meticulously plotted my next action. If I moved diagonally to my right, I could capture my opponent’s stone and land in a spot not threatened by any of his forward-moving advances. I was running short on options at this point in the game, so this move just had to work. By making this play, I would brilliantly force him into a corner. From that point on, he would be playing purely from a defensive posture. I would have him tight against the ropes and victory, along with that sweet taste of freedom, would finally be in my grasp!
Big John keeps his poker face as he plays a very deadly game of checkers.
With a trembling hand, I gingerly lifted my white coral rock from the slab. I hesitated before moving, just long enough to steady myself and peer directly into his sinister eyes. I needed to witness the humiliation on his face as his lowliest captive beat him at his very own game. I wanted to observe his complete and utter shame as the village’s waterboy spanked him in front of every single member of the tribe. I would make him sorry… (more…)
Posted in Adventurous Places, North America, Tall Tales and Big Fish Stories and tagged Hawaii, North Shore, Oahu, Waimea Falls, Waimea Valley by Big John with no comments yet.
The Legendary City of Antwerp
In the days of old, there once lived a horrible giant that terrorized all of the Flemish province to include the land that the legendary city of Antwerp rests upon today. The giant, named Antigoon, made his home along the Scheldt River and demanded a toll from all those who desired to cross over its waterway. If anybody encountering the giant was unable to render payment in full, Antigoon would sever one of their hands and toss it straight into the river. For years, the giant guarded the only bridge leading in and out of the city. The local people, many of them amputees, were powerless to drive him away. Even the battle-hardened Roman legionaries in the area dared not challenge the monster; they would rather lose a few coins than lose a hand that carries a sword. The situation eventually became so dire that the Scheldt River was said to contain more hands than it did fishes.
One glorious day, a brave young soldier named Silvius Brabo mustered up enough courage to confront Antigoon. He had grown tired of giving the great beast his meager wages each time he wanted to cross the river to visit the city. You see, the young lad had found his true love in the legendary city of Antwerp and he vowed to put an end to this giant’s savagery once and for all. (more…)
Posted in Tall Tales and Big Fish Stories, Adventurous Places, Europe and tagged Antwerp, Belgium, Europe by Big John with no comments yet.
LIfe is Good When You’re the King of Bruges
I am the undisputed King of Bruges but I used to be a run-of-the-mill, regular Joe just like the rest of you. I did all my extensive shopping at Walmart; got my six-dollar haircuts at Super Clips; and spent my annual vacations at the Shady Palms Motel, conveniently located only a breezy twenty-minute walk from the beach. I’ve never owned multiple properties (or any property not on cinder-blocks for that matter); I’ve never mingled with celebrities; and I’ve certainly never claimed to come from any line of royalty. I was an ordinary Andy, trying to do my best just to survive that daily grind. This would have been the sad and mundane story of my life, had not a simple DNA testing kit changed everything.
The kit that changed everything.
When my wife told me she picked up something intimate and personal for my 45th birthday, I was thinking Victoria’s Secret for sure. Every woman knows that there’s no greater gift than to dazzle her man in something made of satin and lace. Well, apparently in my wife’s inner-circle, she was never privy to such valuable information. In my wife’s inner circle, the very best birthday gifts are those that you never knew you wanted. So, you can only imagine my feigned excitement and very real surprise when I unwrapped a DNA testing kit called 23andMe. Honestly though, it was a thoughtful and unique gift. Had I known that I would soon be filling a large vial with spit, I just would’ve eaten less chocolate and Doritos prior to opening it. (more…)
Posted in Adventurous Places, Europe, Tall Tales and Big Fish Stories and tagged Belgium, Bruges by Big John with 1 comment.
Rebecca and the Not-So-Nice Pirates of Nice, France
Only a few of my closest friends and family know the story of how I met my lovely wife, Rebecca. Yet, even to this day, the circumstances surrounding the event are a source of both anxiety and great joy for me. My state-appointed therapist suggested that I attempt to express myself more openly and stop bottling so many things inside. So, if I ever hope to be freed from this padded cell that confines me, I need to start doing more of what my therapist says.
It all began here. No, not here at the Palmetto State Mental Hospital for the Criminally Insane. It all began 3 kilometers west of Nice, in the picturesque seaside community of Villefranche-sur-Mer. The amazing landscape of this charming fishing village has inspired many artists throughout the years to apply their paints to canvas. Set against a peaceful waterfront with colorful houses, open markets, and cobblestone streets, this is just the sort of place a fellow might want to unpack his suitcase and stay awhile. Having arrived there by cruise ship, I had only the luxury of staying in town for a single day. Considering my limited time, I vowed to make the most out of my brief visit to this French coastal paradise.
The Bay of Villefranche-sur Mer
All just seemed so perfect that morning I stepped off the dock and set foot into town. The weather was warm but not stifling hot. The salty air had a pleasant breeze, albeit far from windy. All in all, things were very nice here. I arrived in town just after breakfast so I could get an early start on things. It was my first time in the French Riviera, and I intended on exploring every nook and cranny of this place before calling it a day.  (more…)
Posted in Europe, Tall Tales and Big Fish Stories and tagged France, Nice, pirates, Villefranche-sur-Mer by Big John with no comments yet.
The Plight of the Leprechaun
The month of March is finally here and St. Patrick’s Day is fast approaching. This cultural and religious holiday commemorates the life of Saint Patrick who landed on Irish shores in 432 AD to bring Christianity to a pagan land. Along with this much anticipated holiday comes lots of drinking, foods, drinking, festivities, and even more drinking for the Irish and non-Irish alike.
In the midst of all that green-colored revelry, it’s easy to lose focus on those in Ireland who are truly suffering. I’m speaking of a people who’ve suffered under the blind eye of the international community for generations. Yes, I’m referring to the Leprechaun people of the Emerald Isle.
The Leprechaun have been woven into the fabric of Ireland since its very founding. They were there in the 6th century, rendering aid to the Celtic people by teaching them all the medicinal and magical properties of the shamrock. They were there in the 12th century, standing tall with their Irish brethren to ward of hordes of Norman Invaders.
It’s difficult to believe that now, in the 21st century, Ireland has turned a deaf ear to the plight of the Leprechaun people. Does anybody notice? Does anybody even really care? (more…)
Posted in Europe, Tall Tales and Big Fish Stories and tagged Ireland, leprechaun, St. Patrick's Day by Big John with 4 comments.